Love, Life & Family: Insecurity And Control In Marriages

May 8, 2021
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Control is a big issue in many homes today. It is deeply rooted in cultural and religious upbringings many of us have.

It is not uncommon to hear of women being handed the condition of breaking their SIM when they get married. This, in many cases, so as to disconnect them from people in their past (usually not admitted but this often is about the men than it is of women known).

Now, not only is this approach and mindset negative because it begins the union on lack of trust, it is actually nowhere near effective even for that which is intended. You can break a person’s SIM to disconnect numbers from the past but what do you do to the cloud backup online? Do you wipe those off? Say you do, what happens to the numbers stored in the person’s memory, typically, the very important ones, do you wipe those? In the end, you find that going the way of trust is the most effective way, after all, this person is being trusted enough to be married.

Strangely enough, it is often not even about what the person is likely to do, it is more about things the aggressor is likely to do, which he believes others will do too, hence, projecting onto the new bride.

You’d imagine if a woman can grow up as she did and still find her way to you voluntarily, she is mature enough to make her own choices. Yes, there are exceptional cases of very questionable pasts but then you cannot force it (you should not even want to force it, it should be something she’s willing to do).

The same applies to social media use where a person will command a spouse on its usage or even to be off it while they maintain several accounts across platforms on which they do the unthinkable. Again, these are the same platforms where many met said spouses. Perhaps the fear is that if they can meet them there, others can too. But then, marriage needs to be built on trust.

Such is the nature of what many signed up for in desperation to be married or from not having a say in the betrothal. Yet, many of us had the chance to take it slow and avoid this. In the hasty desires to be married, many signed up for arrangements similar to modern day slavery with restricted movements, speech, contacts and endeavours.

Understand that marriage is not a concentration camp and while there are rules to it, there is no compulsion to excessive control.

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The issue is often about power given to a person with a mind that cannot handle the success and personality of the spouse.

This results in thinking excessive regulation is the way, like destroying a SIM to cut off past contacts because you are not confident in self. The same mindset applies across other areas of the marriage including education, career, spirituality, intimacy etc.

This is a serious issue. One that is better imagined than experienced. So, please consider it before you pick a spouse. If you are already in, please seek help with it.

You deserve better.

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